Is Living Together Before Marriage a Good Idea?
Introduction
Common "wisdom" says that living together in a "trial marriage" is a good way to determine if couples are compatible before marriage. Does this idea really work? What are the factors that lead to a good marriage and how can we know if the other person is right for us?
Cohabitation - the studies
There have actually been numerous studies that have examined whether living together before marriage is a good idea. The data shows that people who have multiple cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience marital conflict, marital unhappiness and eventual divorce than people who do not cohabit before marriage.1 Although some of these effects might be due to the characteristics of people who cohabit (e.g., they tend to move from one relationship to another), recent studies suggest that the cohabitation experience itself contributes to problems in marriage. The reason why cohabitation may setup couples for failure in marriage is because cohabitation is just a test. Since all couples suffer from some incompatibility, when the other partner "fails" the test, the person moves on to the next partner. A succession of cohabitation failures results in an inability to maintain commitment - the most important part of a marriage relationship.
Woman-killing by males
A nation-wide study of over 400,000 homicides committed between 1976 and 1994 calculated the rate of uxoricide (the murder of a woman by her romantic partner).2 It was found that the incidence of uxoricide was nine times higher in women who cohabited with men than those who were married (see figure to right).
What is love?
Most young people think that love is just a strong feeling one has toward another person. However, the elated, "high" feeling we get when we "fall in love" is really infatuation This kind of "love" is something that is typically short-lived, and unless replaced by true love, results in broken relationships. Those who think the infatuation phase of a relationship will last for a lifetime are setting themselves up for disappointment and failure. Life happens, and people make mistakes that hurt others. The ability to forgive and rebuild trust is required for any marriage relationship to succeed. Those who are used to moving on to the next relationship at the first sign of trouble will not make a good marriage partner, which is why living together leads to bad habits.
Factors that lead to a good marriage
There are a number of factors that predict success or failure in marriage. When considering a potential marriage partner, these factors greatly impact the success rate for marriage. Indeed, some of these factors predict a more than twice the likelihood of divorce.
Factor | Success | Failure |
---|---|---|
Age | >20 years old | <20 years old3 |
Values/Backgrounds | Similar | Different4 |
Education | College | High School5 |
Cohabitation | None or once | Twice or more1 |
Family of origin | Intact | Divorced6 |
Conclusion 
So, the best advice is to wait to get married until after you finish college.
Don't get into the habit of cohabitation, but date over a long period of time.
Also, pick people of similar backgrounds and values to date. Dating a more
exotic person may be exiting, but a long-term marriage relationship with such a
person would be trying.
¿Es Vivir Juntos Antes del Matrimonio Una Buena Idea?
Related Pages

- The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University
- Testimony of Barbara Whitehead, Ph.D, Co-Director, The National Marriage Project Rutgers before the U.S. Senate
- Love Defined (by the Bible) - It's more than a feeling.
- The Biblical Design for Human Sexuality - What the Bible says about sexual relations for Christians
- Is it Okay for Christians to Engage in Premarital Sex?
References 
- Claire M. Kamp Dush, Catherine L.
Cohan, and Paul R. Amato. 2003. The Relationship between Cohabitation and
Marital Quality and Stability: Change Across Cohorts? Journal of Marriage and the
Family 65: 539-49.
David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002. Should We Live Together?, 2nd Ed. New Brunswick, NJ: The National Marriage Project, Rutgers University.
William G. Axinn and Jennifer S. Barber. 1997. Living Arrangements and Family Formation Attitudes in Early Adulthood. Journal of Marriage and the Family 59: 595-611.
William J. Axinn and Arland Thornton. 1992. The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Causal Influence. Demography 29-3: 357-374.
Robert Schoen. 1992. First Unions and the Stability of First Marriages. Journal of Marriage and the Family 54: 281-84. - Todd K. Shackelford. 2001. Cohabitation, Marriage, and Murder: Woman-Killing by Male Romantic Partners Aggr. Behav. 27:284–291.
- T. C. Martin and L. Bumpass. 1989. Recent Trends in Marital Disruption,"
Demography 26: 37-5.
Department of Health and Human Services. 2002. National Center for Health Statistics, Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States. Hyattsville, MD. - Finnegan Alford-Cooper. 1998. For Keeps:
Marriages that Last a Lifetime. Armonk, NY: M. E. Sharpe.
Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. 1995. The Good Marriage. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin/
Jeffry H. Larson and Thomas B. Holman. 1994. Premarital Predictors of Marital Quality and Stability. Family Relations 43: 228-237/
Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer. 1986. Factors in Long-Term Marriage. Journal of Family Issues 7: 382-390. - Joshua
R. Goldstein and Catharine T. Kenney. 2001. Marriage Delayed or Marriage
Forgone? New Cohort Forecasts of First Marriage for U. S. Women. American Sociological
Review 66: 506-519.
Elaina Rose. 2004. Education and Hypergamy in Marriage Markets. Seattle, WA: Department of Economics, University of Washington. - Jay D.
Teachman. 2004. The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the
Characteristics of Their Marriages. Journal of Family Issues 25-1: 86-111.
Paul R. Amato. 1996. Explaining the Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family 58: 628-640.
Paul R. Amato and Danelle D. DeBoer. 2001. The Transmission of Marital Instability Across Generations: Relationship Skills or Commitment to Marriage? Journal of Marriage and the Family 63: 1038-1051.
Jeffry H. Larson and Thomas B. Holman. 1994. Premarital Predictors of Marital Quality and Stability. Family Relations 43: 228-237.
Last Modified November 12, 2007